Let's get real honest. The past few weeks here at Sugar Pine have been some of the hardest in my life for various reasons that I need not go into too much detail about. However...I feel very alone. Again for many reasons...some being that it's hard being here where no one really knows me. Now, don't get me wrong I have met some great people and we can laugh and have a good time together...but there is just no depth. Knowing that we are going to be together for only a few months and seeing as how almost everyone here goes home every weekend since they live pretty close ( I was literally the only one in our entire cabin on Saturday night) it's easy to say that it is going to be a pretty lonely summer. Thank the Lord I have some friends from High Sierra that live right down the road that I get to see every once in a while...but our schedules keep us pretty busy so we don't get to hang out too often.
All this to say that I know the Lord is going to use this summer for growth. A dear friend told me "I don't think you would be getting attacked if you weren't going to grow this summer." After thinking about that a lot...I realized it was spot on. The Lord knows I'm going to grow...but so does the Enemy...and I believe he has thrown everything he can at me to distract me from what the Lord wants to teach me on purpose. Doubts, fears, insecurities, and thoughts that I have not felt or thought in a long time seem to lurk around in my mind. I feel alone and lonely most of the time. I carry a heavy heart, while I so desperately do not want to. I question why I am here without anyone who really knows me. I long for someone I can actually tell what is really going on in my life. I am a mess. I am broken. I am hurt.
Now...I'm not saying all this to whine and complain. I'm just being real. I think the Lord has stripped me of comfort this summer...whether that be the absence of some friendships, being separated from people I love, a lack of familiar faces, or a lack of a sense of belonging...I know it is all for the purpose to learn what it really means to depend on the Lord. Now...I have always liked to think that I always have done this...but I don't think I ever really had to. I think that the Lord is trying to say, "Hey, McKenna...when you have nothing and no one...or feel like you don't...you always have Me. Come to Me, my weary child, and rest in Me. Find comfort in me. Find strength in me. Find hope in me. Trust in me for your future. Look to Me for self confidence. Talk to Me, tell Me everything that is on your heart. Run into My arms in the face of rejection. Let your tears fall in My hands and cry to Me. See My face in the creation all around you, that you are blessed to work in everyday. Learn to be dependent on Me.
The other day us event staff girls were painting a mural on our equipment room wall. Now...I am no artist...but I still helped nonetheless. As I was painting...I noticed that in order to make our mural look good...we had to intentionally create imperfections. A non-straight line here, a rough edge here, a smudge here...you get the idea. I couldn't help think of how, in life, beauty comes out of imperfections. How appropriate when looking at ourselves. We would not be who we are without our mistakes and imperfections and challenges. We would be boring...living lives of monotony. However...we, through imperfections and challenges, experience trial and error, adventure, character, depth, but most of all, beauty. I hope that out of this challenging summer...I can produce growth and beauty in my life...especially in preparation to be a freshmen RA this fall.
Sorry for all the word vomit...this is what is going on...and this is what is on my heart. I know I am here for growth...and I do not think growth can happen without challenges.
Next post will be much lighter I will tell you all about my job and the adventures I have been having!
No comments:
Post a Comment